Self-help Humorist Gifts

'I'm still having self-loathing issues... today I un-friended myself...'

'Encumbered by low self esteem, Raymond takes a job as a speed bump.'

"We don't go to therapists-we just watch them on TV."

Wino, reading book, "The power of positive drinking"

"I asked You, in the nicest possible way, to make me a better person, but apparently You couldn't be bothered."

Self Help: Get To Know Yourself/Get To Unknow Yourself

Armstrong, I'm not qualified to give you dating advice. When it comes to that stuff, I'm the worst. Because Randy's advice is as good as it gets. There's nothing to improve on, so it's a bad investment. But if someone gives me glaringly bad advice, I can easily spot the errors, correct them, and compile it all into a best-selling advice book. Dating tip #1: Dating is not an investment. Beautiful. Keep 'em coming.

Dummies for Dummies.

"On reflection I think that delegating my life was probably a bad idea."

Clown Cheering Up Patient.

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

'Actually, it's good, old fashioned, chicken soup.'

"Wow! That's an amazing welding project!"

'Thyme heals all wounds.'

New from Lockdown Press

"Gorg, you've got to let yourself evolve!"

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

'of course it's not natural: He dyes his mane to cover up his grey hair...'

"I'm a HUNK of burning love!"

Bald man polishing head

"It's easy. The first step is to entirely change who you are."

New years resolutions

EAT HAY LOVE One Horse's Search for Everything

'Is that the trebuchet?'

Narcissus

"Okay, maybe we should count assembling the exercise bike as your first workout."

!I haven't a clue what they are, but I don't like the look of them."

Dad Socks / Dad Sex

"I'm at the office party."

"Good news, we found a plant the cured baldness."

"I believe doctors write too many prescriptions, Mr. Martin. I'm writing you a sonnet."

'That's your limescale problem sorted.'

'The swelling well receed in a few days and the racket should slide right off.'

"We forgot to get spark plugs -- I'll drive."