Self-love Humorist Gifts

'Know your problem? You're a narcissist.'

Narcissus

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

"Yo, Ned Beatty, paddle harder if you ever want to kiss me again."

'Will you marry me, Gloria?'

The Quack Quack Diaries: The George Broderick Diaries

Dummies for Dummies.

"Helen, is it possible that we are using our child as an intimacy barrier?"

Self Help: Get To Know Yourself/Get To Unknow Yourself

'Okay, but I'm going to hate myself in the morning.'

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

"It's not what you think."

"You've got to learn to love yourself. Start by 'Friending" yourself on Facebook."

"Yes, you've taught me a thing or two - but over twenty-plus years that's not much."

Next, I remember looking down and thinking, man, those pants make my butt look huge.

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

Bald man polishing head

'That's not true, I do listen. I'm just not very interested.'

Dating Rule #1. Repeat after me: I need some space. I need some space. Got it. Good. Make sure you tell that to Laurel all the time. But

"I'm a HUNK of burning love!"

'You'll marry me? Really? Then forget it! I can't be with someone who's standards are that low!'

'Relax! I just read somewhere that 142 pounds is the new 125!'

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

New years resolutions

"I know I've matured because I choose to purchase my own candy instead of stealing my children's."

"He and I connected physically, spiritually, emotionally, financially, humorously, technologically, and self-destructively."

'Wait a minute -- Shouldn't you be saying something about 'If not completely satisfied'?'

Narcissus

I heart my bum.

'Egomania, you say? How on earth did you diagnose me so quickly?'

'I'm gonna go slip into something less comfortable.'

Honk if you *heart* yourself.

"You're a pig in bed."

Cupid accidentally kills one of his targets.