Self-awareness Humorist Gifts

'I'm curious about your out-of-body experience. As you floated above your hospital bed, how noticeable was my bald spot?'

"I'm TRYING to extinguish my ego, but I feel so CONSPICUOUS up here!"

"Damn. These must have shrunk in the wash." "I don't think so."

Dummies for Dummies.

'Okay, but I'm going to hate myself in the morning.'

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

Self Help: Get To Know Yourself/Get To Unknow Yourself

Next, I remember looking down and thinking, man, those pants make my butt look huge.

Bald man polishing head

"I'm a HUNK of burning love!"

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

New years resolutions

Narcissus

"I know I've matured because I choose to purchase my own candy instead of stealing my children's."

"I seem to bring out the worst in people."

'Be honest. Do I have ugly feet?'

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

"I asked You, in the nicest possible way, to make me a better person, but apparently You couldn't be bothered."

I call it "Self-portrait in Quicksand."

Narcissus visits the ophthalmologist

Me at 22 vs. me at 29

Still fits like a glove after all these years!

'Enjoying a little 'me time', Narcissus?'

"A lot of people say that absence is my best feature."

"On reflection I think that delegating my life was probably a bad idea."

"The only thing I notice thinning is my hair."

'Please leave your message after the tone...'

'Wendall just had a great insight. He realised he's full of baloney.'

'You mean someone has been trying to steal your identity?'

'I can feel a hundred eyes drilling into my bald spot.'

Armstrong, I'm not qualified to give you dating advice. When it comes to that stuff, I'm the worst. Because Randy's advice is as good as it gets. There's nothing to improve on, so it's a bad investment. But if someone gives me glaringly bad advice, I can easily spot the errors, correct them, and compile it all into a best-selling advice book. Dating tip #1: Dating is not an investment. Beautiful. Keep 'em coming.

'I'm still having self-loathing issues... today I un-friended myself...'

'I was so unpopular as a child, even my imaginary friend wouldn't play with me.'

Narcissus looks at his reflection in a pool of water; he is wearing a shirt that reads "Narcissus" written backwards so that he can read it properly in his reflection

"Please hurry, you have only five minutes!"