Social Aware Humorist Gifts

'You mean someone has been trying to steal your identity?'

Ethics exam cheater.

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

"Wait, those crunchy, cheesy little fish thingies are free?!"

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

The Militant Unionist

"Would you consider selling me the TV and movie rights to what you just told me?"

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

Ron and Nancy Reagan.

Shy Man at Party

"At work, they call me benchmark."

I'm no good at small talk

Cheeky Devil and Thief LTD

'Naughty or nice? - I suppose you mean by White male standards, right?'

Me at 22 vs. me at 29

'It's a social-climbing wall.'

'The government says income tax rebates may be late because the defence department maxed out on its credit cards again...'

"The point is, Hutchens, a younger man could jump higher."

Two Men Dining.

'There's nothing wrong with you, but I'd still like to operate on you. There's a sweet motorcycle I'd like to buy, and I need the money.'

"Whadda we want?"

Refusing to shake hands

'On one hand, I'm ashamed to sell nothing but cheap crap. On the other hand, I'm glad I make a lot of money doing it, so I don't have to buy cheap crap...'

"Now remember Gerard, don't stare. Enid's aged since you last saw her and a little self-conscious about her crow's feet."

"A lot of people say that absence is my best feature."

'I'm curious about your out-of-body experience. As you floated above your hospital bed, how noticeable was my bald spot?'

"We'll be catering the school dance!"

'By the way, I usually sneeze in twos. So that's another interesting thing about me.'

Oh, you shouldn't have. Shouldn't have what? Really, it's just too much. So thoughtful. Very kind. I have no idea what you're talking about. But I hope you're being sarcastic. Because I'm going to be really upset if you're genuinely accusing me of being thoughtful and kind. How could you forget, you cheap and callous bottom feeder? That's better. Now, what are you talking about?

Donald Trump sinks GOP boat

"It suits me, doesn't it? And it's not unethical because it's from a climatologist!"

'It's so hard getting seated here... would you care to join me and my friends?'

How Americans Can Get Help

'Oh... and this must be the little lady.'

"I'd like you to meet Nan and Leo, but I think you already know Nan from back when it was Nan and Ralph."