Self-esteem Humorist Gifts

'I can feel a hundred eyes drilling into my bald spot.'

"Well, I'm sad for Gloria...she's gonna be bummed out when I'm twice as successful as she is."

Man posing on beach as women ignore him.

The Quack Quack Diaries: The George Broderick Diaries

Improve your leaping ability or your money back.

Dummies for Dummies.

'Okay, but I'm going to hate myself in the morning.'

Self Help: Get To Know Yourself/Get To Unknow Yourself

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

Next, I remember looking down and thinking, man, those pants make my butt look huge.

Bald man polishing head

"I'm a HUNK of burning love!"

100% Bombast-Filled Parka

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

New years resolutions

Narcissus

'Julie,has anyone told you how beautiful you look today? If so send them in for an eye test straight away!'

"I really am very pleased with the dress I bought. It makes me feel not so dumpy and without."

'Does what's left of my bum look big in that?'

"I seem to bring out the worst in people."

'Be honest. Do I have ugly feet?'

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

'I would appreciate if your young lady waited for you up the road,Wilkins.'

Me at 22 vs. me at 29

Narcissus visits the ophthalmologist

M.D. I think of my body as a temple! I think you should decrease the building fund.

"I asked You, in the nicest possible way, to make me a better person, but apparently You couldn't be bothered."

"Apparently removing my reproductive organs wasn't enough."

Still fits like a glove after all these years!

'Saline implants? That'd kill you! I'd take anything Rick says with a grain of salt- But I suppose that'd kill you too.'

'Enjoying a little 'me time', Narcissus?'

'I get rattled too easily.'

'Honey, does the wild pig that I swallowed whole for lunch make me look fat? No, dear, it's just the lighting.

"A lot of people say that absence is my best feature."

"The only thing I notice thinning is my hair."