Self-employment Humorist Gifts

"I'm at the office party."

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'

"So, Mr Canary, I see you have experience as a mine safety specialist..."

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

"When all else fails, blow darts still get their attention."

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

Dummies for Dummies.

Employment Agency. I didn't hire him -- Those bipedal guys are are afraid to get their hands dirty.

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

"They'd sold out of #1's."

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

"Anything else...apart from the wheel?"

Self Help: Get To Know Yourself/Get To Unknow Yourself

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

"Could you explain this 2500 year gap in your resume?"

After talking one stranger to death, Velma starts in on the next.

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

'I'm looking for something, like, 364 days a year.'

'Wake up, Jim. It's time for your break.'

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

'Inside healer'

New years resolutions

'Ageism at work'

'You must be the new guy, huh?'

We offer no healthcare benefts but offer several fringes benefits.

'I like a man with a good, firm fist bump.'

Now playing 'Downsized and out' - a movie based on Ed Benson's resume.

'Coach - do you know the definition for 'losing coach''