Self-employment Humorist Pillows

"I'm at the office party."

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"So, Mr Canary, I see you have experience as a mine safety specialist..."

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'

"When all else fails, blow darts still get their attention."

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

Dummies for Dummies.

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

"Anything else...apart from the wheel?"

Self Help: Get To Know Yourself/Get To Unknow Yourself

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'

"Could you explain this 2500 year gap in your resume?"

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

'Wake up, Jim. It's time for your break.'

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

'I'm looking for something, like, 364 days a year.'

'Ageism at work'

'Inside healer'

'You must be the new guy, huh?'

New years resolutions

We offer no healthcare benefts but offer several fringes benefits.

'I like a man with a good, firm fist bump.'

Now playing 'Downsized and out' - a movie based on Ed Benson's resume.

'He's at the pinnacle, but not at the pinnacle of his PROFESSION.'

'Coach - do you know the definition for 'losing coach''