Freelancer Humorist Pillows

FREElance Artists

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

"Did you get my tweet?"

"The Eggsorcist"

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"She looks just like in your photos."

"[UNABLE TO PROCESS THIS IMAGE]"

'Oh no! Is this a blogger I saw before me?'

Man in Therapist office sees a sign: Therapy Is Expensive Bubble Wrap Is Cheap You Decide

"When all else fails, blow darts still get their attention."

Advertising on the internet.

"If he has more than 20 followers on Twitter we call him a 'celebrity'."

"You looked a lot bigger on your dating profile."

The mysterious ancient stone figures of Keister Island.

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

Facebook For Dogs.

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"There is only one thing worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. Lol. Winky face."

"The internet without cat pictures? No way! Make a realistic wish like peace on earth, justice for all, everlasting life, sane politicians..."

"Great, the end of the world and I'm going to be first on facebook with pictures!!"

"Just right click, save as, and now you own the complete works of William Shakespeare."

'Did you auction off our house on eBay?'