Freelancer Humorist Gifts

FREElance Artists

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

"Eat not of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. Its sources have yet to be verified."

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

"Did you get my tweet?"

"The Eggsorcist"

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"I'll have you know that, '#dirtylitterbox' is trending on Twitter."

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

Of course, the rent on the fourth floor is considerably higher.

"That's the trouble with cute kittens - they attract a lot of traffic."

"She looks just like in your photos."

"[UNABLE TO PROCESS THIS IMAGE]"

'Oh no! Is this a blogger I saw before me?'

Man in Therapist office sees a sign: Therapy Is Expensive Bubble Wrap Is Cheap You Decide

"If he has more than 20 followers on Twitter we call him a 'celebrity'."

Twitter that!

The mysterious ancient stone figures of Keister Island.

Advertising on the internet.

"You looked a lot bigger on your dating profile."

"When all else fails, blow darts still get their attention."

Facebook For Dogs.

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

"Can you take a video of me attacking the garbage so I can post it on Instagram?"

"There is only one thing worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. Lol. Winky face."

'Did you auction off our house on eBay?'

"The internet without cat pictures? No way! Make a realistic wish like peace on earth, justice for all, everlasting life, sane politicians..."

I've founded my own religion. Of course you have, Rudy. It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths. If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted. What are the central tenets of your religion? A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation.

"Google gets thousands of requests each day to erase links. Most of them seem to go back to my website."

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"Just right click, save as, and now you own the complete works of William Shakespeare."

Employment Agency. I didn't hire him -- Those bipedal guys are are afraid to get their hands dirty.