Amateur Humorist Gifts

'You think you need a hobby, eh? - How about a second job?'

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"Again? This is the last time I'm letting you wear the pants with the little zipper."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

Football Chameleon

"Eat not of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. Its sources have yet to be verified."

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

"The Eggsorcist"

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Did you get my tweet?"

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"I'll have you know that, '#dirtylitterbox' is trending on Twitter."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

Replacement Bus Spotters.

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"[UNABLE TO PROCESS THIS IMAGE]"

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Fishing - No. IX

"She looks just like in your photos."

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'Oh no! Is this a blogger I saw before me?'

Advertising on the internet.