Amateur Comedian Gifts

"Underarm! Underarm!"

An excerpt from "Men are from Belgium, and women are from New Brunswick".

"Turns out the sound of the squeaky toy was coming from inside the house."

"Repeat after me... We are vegan... We are vegan..."

'Lassie, come home.'

Granddad with a big barrel of Home Brew - '...He's very good with the grandchildren'

I'm growing egg plants... Why, what's wrong with your chickens?

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

"It just started as a list of his faults, and just evolved into a horror novel."

'It's a hand-me-down.'

'It's OK. It's halibut.' 'OK. It's Hal. But what?' 'He's still a fish!'

Turkey diet

'My wife thinks I'm at the men's wear store. I told her I was going to get a belt.'

'I'm told this joint is filled with barflies!'

'...When the ref's not looking, pop him with this pin.'

'Egrets, I've had a few. . .'

"You'll have to ignore Roger... he has worms!"

"You were right about this pub Dave. Great beer but no atmosphere!"

"Well they are fake ducks, Honey, but not quite decoyish enough."

Canoeing Incorrectly

"Ahhh! Ha-ha! Exactly what I said when I was pulled over. Dipstick!"

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

A dog howls at the moon with a podium and speech.

"Maybe you just can't tell a joke."

"Father drinks, doesn't he?"

"Morning! Are the fish biting?"

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

"Again? This is the last time I'm letting you wear the pants with the little zipper."

I hear you own a small plane. You will fly me to Scotland. Scotland? They're trying to break away from the United Kingdom. It's history in the making. Naturally, I must be there to heckle it. Sorry, Sadie, I have a hot date. BUT A COHEN HAS BEEN HECKLING HISTORY EVER SINCE SADIE THE ELDER TOLD CAESAR THOSE KNIVES MADE HIM LOOK FAT! Sorry. A date's a date.

Ring! That's the bar phone. Are you here? Oh, I forgot: you're always here.

'How about a drink?'

"I was attracted by the uniform."

"Good morning, world!"

'Oh I enjoy squirrels, too - but only if they're dead.'

'Ever considered he mght not like pubs?'