Immature Humorist Gifts

The Devil making snow angels.

"Again? This is the last time I'm letting you wear the pants with the little zipper."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

Middle-Age Superheroes

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

"He's an indoor cat."

3 cents glass - Exact change please, seller can't count.

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure aging naturally and aging gracefully are mutually exclusive."

"Well they are fake ducks, Honey, but not quite decoyish enough."

"Marlowe filled the crooked gumshoe full of lead. He watched the smoke from his .38 coil in the air as he… mommy’s behind me, isn’t she?"

"Dad, it's not a homing pigeon, just a canary on an elastic band."

"Ahhh! Ha-ha! Exactly what I said when I was pulled over. Dipstick!"

"Repeat after me... We are vegan... We are vegan..."

"Warren's too cautious to cure his mid-life crisis with a motorcycle, so he's rebelling by driving shirtless."

Canoeing Incorrectly

"What do you mean, 'I'm in good shape for a man of forty'? I'm only twenty-six!"

Short on top, medium on the sides, and not bald in back.

"So tell me about your last poop."

'Boy squeezing a spot at boy squirting silly string'

'Goodness, Edgar! That's not the least bit funny! You scared me half to death!'

"Maybe you just can't tell a joke."

'You can't come in to play unless you wear cushions on your feet - My Dad's got a headache!'

'She says her wrinkles are laughter lines, but nothing is that funny!'

'All you do is stare at the TV. When I was a kid we have to be content with staring at the radio.'

Same Sexless Marriage

popcorn...

"Good morning, world!"

"Morning! Are the fish biting?"

"It just started as a list of his faults, and just evolved into a horror novel."

"I hope you love kids - there goes your boss."