Young Professional Humorist Gifts

"I hope you love kids - there goes your boss."

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

College. Did you pick a major yet? I'm doing a double major in art and logic --- I want to draw my own conclusions!

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

One of the Three Little Pigs reaches puberty.

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

"He's an indoor cat."

3 cents glass - Exact change please, seller can't count.

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"I'm hoping for a pardon from the Governor."

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

'Grownups are stupid! How can you be good and have fun?'

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

"I'm the Grin Reaper."

Southwick College: Basically, for the most part, usually - a meritocracy.

'My imaginary playmate squealed on me!'

"Dad, it's not a homing pigeon, just a canary on an elastic band."

The Devil making snow angels.

'Wow, that sounds rigorous. What are the prerequisites for living in my mom's basement?'

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'

Little known fact: I spent a semester at Reed College in Portland. "Little known facts" are supposed to be momentous. Well, the little known fact is, while I was there, I asked a lady out

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

Stand up comedy for four-year-olds.

'I'm sorry...we're not sure you're self obsessed enough.'

'Ageism at work'

"You can call me a sanitary engineer, but to me it's still taking out the trash."