Outsourcing Humorist Gifts

'I don't need to do my homework. I outsourced it to a kid in China.'

"You're invited to our management excursion. Come dresses as a pinata."

"Looks like we found the issue."

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"This position has become very important to the company."

'What sort of mission statement is that?'

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

'The check is in the email attachment.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'Finally! A meeting with one of the bigwigs.'

'That's our mission statement.'

IN box...OUT is wastepaper basket on fire.

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'Ok, I'm in a paperwork mood. Let 'er rip.'

"'Quid pro quo' is a no-no, Bradbury. Around here we say 'reciprocal altruism'."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'The efficiency expert's recommendation is we drink more coffee!'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'I vote we hang the darn thing upside down and go home!'

"I believe we've found the weakest link."

Boss's Desk Says No!

"They're having a fight over how best to handle client conflict."

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

"When faced with a tricky ethical issue, I always ask the question, 'What's in it for me?'"

"What's a debenture?"

"Be patient. He'll have to visit the water cooler sooner or later."

"Jackie, why does your relationship status read ‘capitulated to’ me?!"

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

The MBA Draft

'Shhhh. Fido inherited seventy percent of this company.'