Contractor Humorist Gifts

"Usually, I give a free estimate, but for lawyers, I charge a consultation fee."

AA Meeting Here Today

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

Of course, the rent on the fourth floor is considerably higher.

'Masonry robot, what are you doing?'

'I really hate cleaning this thing.'

Pre-nuptal Agreement.

'The hard hats? In case of falling interest rates.'

'My analysis indicates the need for an asbestos-ectomy, electrical-graphs and a plumbing-bypass.'

'Still workin' on the beard, Jerry?'

Building a better America - Financing by The Bank of China.

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

Dave, determined to go green by using only solar powered tools, will hereafter check weather reports before making bids.

'There's no use complaining, clause 34 section 67 of your contract says '...and any other duties as outlined by your manager'.'

'Uh oh, I measured the lumber in feet, but you measured it in metric.'

We agreed that your contract was too complicated so we redrafted it to cover your new responsibilities...

'Yes we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

"I think these may be counterfeit bolts."

Hellbillies.

Cost cutting construction ideas that failed: using rhubarb instead of rebar in concrete.

"No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants."

"We had to put three screws in his neck and a steel plate in his head."

"I think we can agree that the bridge collapsing is not a good thing."

"I hardly think you can call waiting for updates to install doing nothing!!"

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

'Useful Drywall Screws' next to a huge box of 'Useless Drywall Screws.'

'That's gonna be a big job, boss.'

Is the heating contractor mad about something? He just needs space to vent?

I like going across the frame of this solar energy facility we're building. I'm waling on a sunbeam!

Private work adjustments

"Is this your first bricklaying job, Kevin...?"

Heavy Metal Scrap Merchants.

'Remind me to tell the crane driver to bring a flask tomorrow.'

'He thinks we're watering down the cement.'

Irish Bricklayer