Contractual Comedian Gifts

"These are the benefits you were guaranteed when you joined this firm - and this is a match."

'There's no use complaining, clause 34 section 67 of your contract says '...and any other duties as outlined by your manager'.'

"They said their contract was too complicated..."

We agreed that your contract was too complicated so we redrafted it to cover your new responsibilities...

"Sorry, Wendy, but a simple 'yes' is not good enough. I want a mandate."

"I'm going to throw this contract out the window, hargraves. Bring it back to me and make sure someone's signature is on it."

"So what do you think we should be saying about zero hours contracts?"

Pre-nuptal Agreement.

'See, you misread it - it's void where prohibited by lou!'

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

Boss's Desk Says No!

I'm going to practice on you before I start managing other people.

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"Read our contracts, Ms Donahue. It says 'No Sexual Harassment on the workfloor!'"

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

'What's wrong now?'

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

Another day at work would be one too many...

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

'So what do you think of my report, sir?'

'You did turn the company around... but we liked it the way it was...'

"Wake up Thomas, it's not 2020. There's no Zoom camera to turn off to hide yourself."

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

'...we have every new employee spend time on our assembly line. Eight hours, no breaks.'

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 58% more cheerful within 18 months.

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

Unto thee shall pass the executive laser pointer. Take this authority and delegate it.

'No, they're not my children. They gave me these for doing a good job at work.'