Contract Comedians Gifts

"Do you further promise to love, honor and obey this insurance company and to disclose to it any pre-existing medical conditions?"

'Sorry we don't do 'Pay-as-you-ho' contracts'

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'

"You're good at asking all the right questions. Now let's hear some right answers."

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"Motivational seminars are too expensive. Just buy stronger coffee."

'I'm looking for a workaholic who feels the great job he does is compensation enough.'

"Right here is your baby’s infrastructure, and in a month or so we’ll be able to see the analytics."

"It's going to be huge! Cheese-flavored vodka!"

'What I lack in cognitive flexibility, I make up for in moral flexibility.'

"I absolutely guarantee your workloads will not increase."

Pre-nuptal Agreement.

'Very funny!'

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

'Isn't this cast great? Dr. Emily's minor was sculpture in college!'

"Didn't you get the memo? The boss said he was bringing in some experts to help with the company's rebranding."

"Can I put in a claim for interview trauma compensation?"

"We're looking for someone who'll be available twenty four-seven."

'There's no use complaining, clause 34 section 67 of your contract says '...and any other duties as outlined by your manager'.'

Reception - I believe you wanted to see the man in charge.

We agreed that your contract was too complicated so we redrafted it to cover your new responsibilities...

'I want my ideas called 'concepts' not 'notions'.'

"Let's vote. All those in favour of flying to Switzerland, withdrawing our secret bank account and splitting?"

"We could hire some sign-wavers to stand by the side of the road and advertise our product."

'Let's play business. I'll be the chairman of the board and you'll work for me and laugh whenever I tell a joke.'

"I'll have to call you back. The cat looks really pleased with himself, and I gotta find out why."

Communicating with clients without using buzzwords posed a challenge for the consultants.

"Your personality test shows you are selfish, mean, and lazy. We'd like to offer you a position in management."

'Tell me more about the obscene bonus package.'

"Intern? Oh, no. He wandered in from our day care center."

'Your request for a motorcycle as your company car was rejected. However, I'm not totally unreasonable. Enjoy!'

'Yes we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'