Contractual Comedy Enthusiast Gifts

'Your company is looking at a lengthy, expensive legal battle. By any chance, did you keep your fingers crossed when signing contracts?'

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

"We could have been here sooner, but we wanted to wait until the beautiful Yellow Brick Road was built."

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

Pre-nuptal Agreement.

"Good news, chief, a computer virus destroyed all our documents."

"It's amazing to think he started out in the lobby."

"We're a cable giant, you're a cable giant."

'You're overworked and underpaid. That's what gives you job security.'

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

'There's no use complaining, clause 34 section 67 of your contract says '...and any other duties as outlined by your manager'.'

We agreed that your contract was too complicated so we redrafted it to cover your new responsibilities...

"Hire him, I want to watch his enthusiasm die."

'Yes we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

"Thank God your mother didn't live to see what you've become."

"Sir, Human Resources has clogged the organic waste bins with burned out workers again!"

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

Acme Poultry Personnel. We don't really have an organization chart. It's more of a pecking order.

'I'm overpaying you, but you're worth it.'

Can you get out blood stains? I had a rather contentious board meeting today.

Beating by Appointment.

'Remember, guys, there's no 'I'll kill you before I ever budge an inch on any position' in TEAMWORK.'

'Who gets to be the SOB who quotes us the regulations?'

Clone Research and Development, "Psst- rumour has it the boss is a self-made man."

"Is this what happens when management fails to deal with a passive aggressive member of staff..?"

'Hey, Naomi, remember last week when you said nothing short of a miracle could save MicroTechnoCom from bankruptcy?'

"Of course under your new contract the requirement for you to provide 24 hour cover is optional...you could also opt for 36 or 48 hours!"

"The computer in the main office says you need to be fired but it didn't say why."

As you can see we've had to downsize our workforce.

"Dead man walking!"

'Beegley, I'd like a word with you after this meeting.'

'That's not what I meant when I asked you to add a second bathroom, Roger.'

The new contract will give you much more power over your future...so here are some guidelines as to how you'll be allowed to use it!'