Contractual Humorist Gifts

The new contract will give you much more power over your future...so here are some guidelines as to how you'll be allowed to use it!'

'I hope you realize, Madelaine, that you're in violaton of section G, paragraph 3a, of our prenuptial agreement.'

Orchestra Class Air Guitar.

'Being an opera buff, I naturally assumed she said "I'm taking you to the met"!'

Pre-nuptal Agreement.

'The hard hats? In case of falling interest rates.'

'Still workin' on the beard, Jerry?'

'My analysis indicates the need for an asbestos-ectomy, electrical-graphs and a plumbing-bypass.'

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

Dave, determined to go green by using only solar powered tools, will hereafter check weather reports before making bids.

'There's no use complaining, clause 34 section 67 of your contract says '...and any other duties as outlined by your manager'.'

We agreed that your contract was too complicated so we redrafted it to cover your new responsibilities...

Budget reaction.

'Yes we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

Cost cutting construction ideas that failed: using rhubarb instead of rebar in concrete.

"No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants."

"I think we can agree that the bridge collapsing is not a good thing."

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

'Useful Drywall Screws' next to a huge box of 'Useless Drywall Screws.'

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

Private work adjustments

"Grandpa can't hear you. Turn on your caps lock."

'Wake up, Jim. It's time for your break.'

'That's gonna be a big job, boss.'

'Inside healer'

"Is this your first bricklaying job, Kevin...?"

'Remind me to tell the crane driver to bring a flask tomorrow.'

'He thinks we're watering down the cement.'

'The next phase in which we carve the stones ornately will cost a little more than the previous ones.'

Joe's Bar: Gentlemen must wear blue collars.

Irish Bricklayer