Contractual Humorist Gifts

The new contract will give you much more power over your future...so here are some guidelines as to how you'll be allowed to use it!'

'I hope you realize, Madelaine, that you're in violaton of section G, paragraph 3a, of our prenuptial agreement.'

Orchestra Class Air Guitar.

Restaurant. One thing you can still get for a single dollar is the waiter's opinion of you.

Of course, the rent on the fourth floor is considerably higher.

'Being an opera buff, I naturally assumed she said "I'm taking you to the met"!'

Pre-nuptal Agreement.

'The hard hats? In case of falling interest rates.'

'My analysis indicates the need for an asbestos-ectomy, electrical-graphs and a plumbing-bypass.'

'Still workin' on the beard, Jerry?'

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

Employment Agency. I didn't hire him -- Those bipedal guys are are afraid to get their hands dirty.

Dave, determined to go green by using only solar powered tools, will hereafter check weather reports before making bids.

'There's no use complaining, clause 34 section 67 of your contract says '...and any other duties as outlined by your manager'.'

We agreed that your contract was too complicated so we redrafted it to cover your new responsibilities...

'Yes we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

Budget reaction.

Cost cutting construction ideas that failed: using rhubarb instead of rebar in concrete.

"No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants."

"I think we can agree that the bridge collapsing is not a good thing."

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

'Useful Drywall Screws' next to a huge box of 'Useless Drywall Screws.'

"Grandpa can't hear you. Turn on your caps lock."

I like going across the frame of this solar energy facility we're building. I'm waling on a sunbeam!

Is the heating contractor mad about something? He just needs space to vent?

Private work adjustments

'Wake up, Jim. It's time for your break.'

'That's gonna be a big job, boss.'

It's good news when an agent says "This is a big break" to an aspiring actor. But not good when said by an orthopedic surgeon holding your x-ray! It's jarring when your business partner says "We're going under while he's looking at the books. But it's very routine when said by a submarine captain speaking to the crew. "You're on fire" is nice to hear when you're playing an excellent round of golf. But not what you want to hear when you're grilling burgers. "A thumb on the scale" often mean

"Is this your first bricklaying job, Kevin...?"

'Inside healer'

'Remind me to tell the crane driver to bring a flask tomorrow.'

'The next phase in which we carve the stones ornately will cost a little more than the previous ones.'

'He thinks we're watering down the cement.'