Contextual Humorist Gifts

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"You're going to hate yourself."

Football Chameleon

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

'Yes, all at once!'

"Wait, those crunchy, cheesy little fish thingies are free?!"

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

The devil you know and his plus one

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"Fangul." Italian sausage.

'The stage hypnotist was great, he regressed Jeff to a previous life, and discovered that he was a layabout then, too.'

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

"I've come to stage in my life-cycle where just landing on stuff isn't good enough anymore."

The Scottish Lawn

'I believe there's an unseen hand behind everything we do.'

"When did this game get started?"

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

"If, indeed, there is a reason for all this, than that's so much worse."

If a tree falls on a philosopher in the woods, and no one is there to hear his screams for help, did he really make a sound?

Murphy bed...Murphy.

"I thought the snow would never start"

"I'm sorry, Mister Mulligan is dead. . . would you care to wait?"

"I've done a lot of soul searching, and I've come to the conclusion that I should be thinking less about money and more about naked women."

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."