Contextual Comedian Gifts

'Sorry, you're not suitable for the post of Assistant Beggar.'

Warning: surgeons operating in this area.

'But, there must be some mistake. I don't want to buy the school.'

Sock Puppet in Literature

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

'She'll never look for me here.'

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

"How are you enjoying the job?" "Oh, Ilove the job...it's the work that I hate."

'All right!! Bull's-eye!'

'Our recommended position on the market is fetal.'

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

"I've got a very responsible job. If anything goes wrong, I'm responsible."

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

"This is a very nice thing you’re doing."

Man with t-shirt 'I *spade* my dog'.

Street person selling bricks from wall he's leaning on.

Fencing Venn Graph

Keister Island

"Sir, you said that it's high time to fix the problem, so I rearranged the furniture, watered the flowers and made fresh coffee. If that wasn't enough then maybe we should find some problems that fit our solutions."

Jenkins discovers the dark underworld of palindrome chatrooms.

'Wait a sec...do you want that comment off the record or out of context?'

A snowman missing his base begs for change.

'Scottish Arts Council? I'm looking for sponsorship to help me sit through a performance of Gotterdammerung.'

'Yes of course he can borrow my lawn mower just as long as he only uses it in my garden...'

'Was it your idea to have it catered?'

'Who wants to play celebrity rant?'

"This was the best school day of the week!"

'Take it for stress. It helps to laugh at yourself.'

"Oh, sure, I remember him. He was quiet, mostly kept to himself, paid the rent on time. You know, we were only married for sixteen years."

'Company wargames weekend 1986.'

The leatherhosen thief strikes again!

No genetically modified candy used in this construction.

'I had a Near-Death experience and all I got was this T-shirt.'

Political Hipsters