Contextual Comedian T-Shirts

'Sorry, you're not suitable for the post of Assistant Beggar.'

Warning: surgeons operating in this area.

'But, there must be some mistake. I don't want to buy the school.'

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

Sock Puppet in Literature

'She'll never look for me here.'

Infinity Tavern

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

"How are you enjoying the job?" "Oh, Ilove the job...it's the work that I hate."

'All right!! Bull's-eye!'

'Our recommended position on the market is fetal.'

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

"This is a very nice thing you’re doing."

"I've got a very responsible job. If anything goes wrong, I'm responsible."

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

It's good news when an agent says "This is a big break" to an aspiring actor. But not good when said by an orthopedic surgeon holding your x-ray! It's jarring when your business partner says "We're going under while he's looking at the books. But it's very routine when said by a submarine captain speaking to the crew. "You're on fire" is nice to hear when you're playing an excellent round of golf. But not what you want to hear when you're grilling burgers. "A thumb on the scale" often mean

"Sir, you said that it's high time to fix the problem, so I rearranged the furniture, watered the flowers and made fresh coffee. If that wasn't enough then maybe we should find some problems that fit our solutions."

Fencing Venn Graph

Man with t-shirt 'I *spade* my dog'.

Street person selling bricks from wall he's leaning on.

Keister Island

Jenkins discovers the dark underworld of palindrome chatrooms.

'Wait a sec...do you want that comment off the record or out of context?'

'Who wants to play celebrity rant?'

A snowman missing his base begs for change.

'Yes of course he can borrow my lawn mower just as long as he only uses it in my garden...'

'Was it your idea to have it catered?'

"This was the best school day of the week!"

'Scottish Arts Council? I'm looking for sponsorship to help me sit through a performance of Gotterdammerung.'

'Take it for stress. It helps to laugh at yourself.'

"Oh, sure, I remember him. He was quiet, mostly kept to himself, paid the rent on time. You know, we were only married for sixteen years."

'Company wargames weekend 1986.'

The leatherhosen thief strikes again!

'I had a Near-Death experience and all I got was this T-shirt.'