Contextual Humorist Mugs

It's good news when an agent says "This is a big break" to an aspiring actor. But not good when said by an orthopedic surgeon holding your x-ray! It's jarring when your business partner says "We're going under while he's looking at the books. But it's very routine when said by a submarine captain speaking to the crew. "You're on fire" is nice to hear when you're playing an excellent round of golf. But not what you want to hear when you're grilling burgers. "A thumb on the scale" often mean

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Torturing the English Language

"You're going to hate yourself."

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

Football Chameleon

'Yes, all at once!'

"Wait, those crunchy, cheesy little fish thingies are free?!"

The devil you know and his plus one

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

'The stage hypnotist was great, he regressed Jeff to a previous life, and discovered that he was a layabout then, too.'

"Fangul." Italian sausage.

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

The Scottish Lawn

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

Psychiatry. I have an irrational fear of words like "and," "or," "but" and "if"! And, conjunctivitis!

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

"I've come to stage in my life-cycle where just landing on stuff isn't good enough anymore."

'I believe there's an unseen hand behind everything we do.'

An English and French student converse.

"When did this game get started?"

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

"If, indeed, there is a reason for all this, than that's so much worse."

Murphy bed...Murphy.

If a tree falls on a philosopher in the woods, and no one is there to hear his screams for help, did he really make a sound?

Psychiatry. I know I've lost touch with reality, but in my defense, reality started it.

"I thought the snow would never start"

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

"I'm sorry, Mister Mulligan is dead. . . would you care to wait?"

"I've done a lot of soul searching, and I've come to the conclusion that I should be thinking less about money and more about naked women."