Cultured Humorist Gifts

"Weary grow the fervently relaxed devotees of the sea."

Palms. When fully grown that species will provide some nice shade in your your yard. Fronds with benefits.

Football Chameleon

"Hic. Gosh and begorrah!" "Wha?"

'Yes, all at once!'

"What the...They wrapped me in toilet paper!"

"The Eggsorcist"

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"Fangul." Italian sausage.

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Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

The mysterious ancient stone figures of Keister Island.

"It makes sense when you see the second painting with the lego."

The Scottish Lawn

Technical Terms Explained: Suckers.

"So, Owen tells me you guys met in art school."

Cover story: Plant World.

"It's not my fault - how was I to know you'd look scary with your clothes off?"

"When did this game get started?"

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

Artist uses connect-the-dots canvas to paint nude model.

Nude conductor of Orchestra conducting 'The full Monte-verdi'

"The house is great, but compared to reality show realtors, you're a big disappointment."

Murphy bed...Murphy.

'I was tired of my goaty, so I decided to grow a moustache...'

"Gracie, you're a good mud artist."

"We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way."

"Wow yes, it's a lovely garden, but I can only see flowers: not a carrot in sight..."

"He said 'Sumer is icumen in Lhude sing cuccu!' Why do you ask?"

It's good news when an agent says "This is a big break" to an aspiring actor. But not good when said by an orthopedic surgeon holding your x-ray! It's jarring when your business partner says "We're going under while he's looking at the books. But it's very routine when said by a submarine captain speaking to the crew. "You're on fire" is nice to hear when you're playing an excellent round of golf. But not what you want to hear when you're grilling burgers. "A thumb on the scale" often mean

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

'It says this artist is making a statement about man's struggle with the rising cost of oil paint.'

'Ok, ok, what about this one? There was an Irishman, an Italian and an Englishman ..'

Sheepdog