Contract Scrutiny Humorist Gifts

Read the small print Guv - 'Press in every room', not 'trouser press in every room.'

Pre-nuptal Agreement.

"I like your thinking Steve. Hiding the contract loopholes under the staples is brilliant."

"Sign our updated non-compete agreement. It now includes nasty comments on social media."

'I have enough confidence in our project to put our money where our lawyer's mouth is.'

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

"A handshake is as good as a thirty-page contract, eh, Mr. Harrison?"

'There's no use complaining, clause 34 section 67 of your contract says '...and any other duties as outlined by your manager'.'

We agreed that your contract was too complicated so we redrafted it to cover your new responsibilities...

"You misread the terms of your employment. Your probation period is 6 years, not 6 months."

'Yes we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

"Perfect! Since our company's motto is 'transparency,' make the contract's fine print light gray against white."

'Of course you're overworked and underpaid! Didn't you read the fine print in your employee's contract?'

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

'So, what are the terms of use?'

"And despite recent insinuations, this loan contract being signed by my client is perfectly legitimate."

'Hang on!...You don't expect me to swallow that as well!'

Boss talking to lawyer, 'These new Terms and Conditions you've drafted for us are extremely long and overly complex - our customers are never going to be able to understand them. Well done Jones!'

"No this is your contract. The other one's your bill

'I reject the terms of the contract!'

"Of course under your new contract the requirement for you to provide 24 hour cover is optional...you could also opt for 36 or 48 hours!"

Lawyer to lady: 'Since I specialize in eye injuries, I've eliminated all the fine print.'

"Yes, you paid for the product and the plan, but there's an extra charge for actually using it."

'And best of all - no hidden clauses!'

The new contract will give you much more power over your future...so here are some guidelines as to how you'll be allowed to use it!'

"Sign here to indicate you have no idea what you've signed."

bound by restrictive covenant

"And with this, nuptial contract, independent inventory and itemised bill...I thee wed."

"No, no. The contract I signed was of the non-binding kind."

"Of course under the new contract 24 hour cover will be optional, you could also opt to do 36 or 48 hours a day!"

"I'm going to throw this contract out the window, hargraves. Bring it back to me and make sure someone's signature is on it."

"OK, let's go to contract."

"Excuse me, One has not actually signed the agreement yet!"

'... the party of the first part is to give the party of the second part ...'

A. Einstein. E = MC2. Yes, I do space-time research, but that doesn't mean I know how to get you out of your timeshare contract.