Unemployment Humorist Gifts

Cruising the highway of broken dreams

'Can you dance?'

'Do we flip a coin to see which one gets the job?'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

"When all else fails, blow darts still get their attention."

Opp'y of a Lifetime

This castle manager job better be for real.

Employment Agency. I didn't hire him -- Those bipedal guys are are afraid to get their hands dirty.

"Number four wasn't bad, at least he removed his personal CD earphones for most of the interview."

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'Sorry Sir, but 'impersonating a log' is not a very marketable skill...'

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

"Could you explain this 2500 year gap in your resume?"

'I'm looking for something, like, 364 days a year.'

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

'Wake up, Jim. It's time for your break.'

'You must be the new guy, huh?'

'Don't worry, Finnegan... it doesn't matter how you answer the questions in a job interview. Every time they ask you something, just tilt your head sideways in that adorable way you do and they'll be putty in your hands...'

Joe's Bar: Gentlemen must wear blue collars.

'I like a man with a good, firm fist bump.'

'Your resume is very impressive. We can't hire you but we don't want you to get away, so we're going to lock you in a closed for six months.'

"Sorry son, you're too negative!"

"Forget the pension and health care - do I get gas money?"

'Take my advice - if you get a tattoo, put it where it will not show on a job interview.'

"This job starts out at $50,000 and tops out at $75,000 after three years."

'When we said 'we wanted somebody with printing experience' - we expected a little more than 'John Bull or potato prints''

Inflate a job!

"Here at Consolidated Megacorp we carry on a proud tradition of marginal competence."

"Just a few more pages, Hansen, and we'll take a short break."

Will clean ears for food.

'I'm good with sheep. . .'

"Have you considered applying for a job a million mils from here?"