Unemployment Humorist Gifts

Cruising the highway of broken dreams

'Can you dance?'

'Do we flip a coin to see which one gets the job?'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

"When all else fails, blow darts still get their attention."

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

Opp'y of a Lifetime

This castle manager job better be for real.

"Number four wasn't bad, at least he removed his personal CD earphones for most of the interview."

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'Sorry Sir, but 'impersonating a log' is not a very marketable skill...'

"Could you explain this 2500 year gap in your resume?"

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

'Wake up, Jim. It's time for your break.'

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

'I'm looking for something, like, 364 days a year.'

'You must be the new guy, huh?'

"Forget the pension and health care - do I get gas money?"

'Don't worry, Finnegan... it doesn't matter how you answer the questions in a job interview. Every time they ask you something, just tilt your head sideways in that adorable way you do and they'll be putty in your hands...'

'I like a man with a good, firm fist bump.'

'Your resume is very impressive. We can't hire you but we don't want you to get away, so we're going to lock you in a closed for six months.'

"Sorry son, you're too negative!"

Joe's Bar: Gentlemen must wear blue collars.

'Take my advice - if you get a tattoo, put it where it will not show on a job interview.'

"This job starts out at $50,000 and tops out at $75,000 after three years."

"Here at Consolidated Megacorp we carry on a proud tradition of marginal competence."

"Have you considered applying for a job a million mils from here?"

"I'm at the office party."

'When we said 'we wanted somebody with printing experience' - we expected a little more than 'John Bull or potato prints''

Inflate a job!

'I'm good with sheep. . .'

Personnel - man asleep, "Why were you dismissed from your last job?"

'So what makes you qualified for this position?'