New Job Humorist Pillows

'You must be the new guy, huh?'

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

'Sorry, we can't offer you a job but we would like to publish your CV.'

"You’d think being anthropomorphic would be enough but nowadays you need a Masters to even get your foot in the door."

Opp'y of a Lifetime

'I was just ringing to see if you'd got the email about my letter.'

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

This castle manager job better be for real.

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

Employment Agency. I didn't hire him -- Those bipedal guys are are afraid to get their hands dirty.

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

"So you wouldn't be interrupted while interviewing me, I took the liberty of calling in a bomb threat."

"Anything else...apart from the wheel?"

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

"Number four wasn't bad, at least he removed his personal CD earphones for most of the interview."

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'

'Sorry Sir, but 'impersonating a log' is not a very marketable skill...'

"Could you explain this 2500 year gap in your resume?"

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

Personnel Office. When you go into the job interview start snooping around. I hear they're looking for somebody who checks all the boxes.

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

'I'm looking for something, like, 364 days a year.'

'Wake up, Jim. It's time for your break.'

'Have you ever been bonded?', 'No, but I've been married a couple of times.'

'Ageism at work'