Job Seeker Humorist Pillows

'Where do I see myself in five years? If you ask one more stupid question, prison.'

"We have only jobs here, Mr. Sanderson, not 'gigs.' "

Personnel: 'Next question, what was the reason for leaving your last job?' Reply: 'I got sick of being questioned about everything I did!'

'I looked over your resume and the good news is I like the paper it was typed on. Do you really want to know the bad news?'

'Your first interview, Mr Jason?'

"Any other skills."

'Take my advice - if you get a tattoo, put it where it will not show on a job interview.'

"Could you explain this 2500 year gap in your resume?"

"Jobs? No, wrong planet."

"This job starts out at $50,000 and tops out at $75,000 after three years."

"Your resume tells me you've been around the block a few times!"

'As a matter of act, we should have an opening in 2022.'

'I'm afraid you don't qualify for the job. But I do have a dinner engagement open that you might be interested in.'

'Ahh. I see you've had a great deal of experience in the welfare sector.'

'I need someone who can relate to failure.'

"So, he turned out he was the boss of me..."

"Hi darling. Well, the good news is that the job centre finally found me a job..."

"Brad, you missed the newly polished car by a country mile, I'm sorry you won't be coming back next week!!"

"Sorry son, you're too negative!"

"In light of the EU ruling that car insurance can't be decided on grounds of gender, I think you're on dodgy ground turning me down for the brain surgeon job on grounds of skill."

'I'm not sure that mentioning your diploma in 'Monkey Business' really helps your resume...'

"We haven't decided yet but you're still in the running."

"Apart from being an avaricious self-serving psychopath do you have any other qualities that qualify you for working here?"

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

Inflate a job!

"It's not a bad time to be out of work. You'll have plenty of company at the unemployment office."

"I have a lot of experience being unemployed."

"So,as the advert says, we are looking for someone large with a lot of presence."

"Just because I'm broke doesn't mean I should get a job."

'I'm looking for something, like, 364 days a year.'

"I'm looking for an employer whose performance standards are as rigorous as those of the college I graduated from!"

Ed Fillburt's Resume - Now a Made for TV Movie.

'You say you lost your last three jobs because of oversleeping?'

'I like a man with a good, firm fist bump.'

'Sorry you have the wrong background for the job.'