Appointment Humorist Pillows

'I can see him around three...so give him an appointment for ten o'clock.'

"Well, if you want my blood pressure lower don't keep waiting two hours to see you."

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

Of course, the rent on the fourth floor is considerably higher.

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

"You’d think being anthropomorphic would be enough but nowadays you need a Masters to even get your foot in the door."

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

'Sorry, we can't offer you a job but we would like to publish your CV.'

Opp'y of a Lifetime

This castle manager job better be for real.

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

Employment Agency. I didn't hire him -- Those bipedal guys are are afraid to get their hands dirty.

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

'Let me through, let me through, I'm a computer geek.'

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

"So you wouldn't be interrupted while interviewing me, I took the liberty of calling in a bomb threat."

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

"Number four wasn't bad, at least he removed his personal CD earphones for most of the interview."

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

"Could you explain this 2500 year gap in your resume?"

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

'I'm looking for something, like, 364 days a year.'

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

'Wake up, Jim. It's time for your break.'

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

Personnel Office. When you go into the job interview start snooping around. I hear they're looking for somebody who checks all the boxes.

'Have you ever been bonded?', 'No, but I've been married a couple of times.'

'Tell me about yourself. If I stay awake, you've got the job.'

'Ageism at work'