Self-improvement Humorist Pillows

New years resolutions

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

The Quack Quack Diaries: The George Broderick Diaries

Dummies for Dummies.

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

Self Help: Get To Know Yourself/Get To Unknow Yourself

'Okay, but I'm going to hate myself in the morning.'

Next, I remember looking down and thinking, man, those pants make my butt look huge.

Bald man polishing head

"I'm a HUNK of burning love!"

"The Seven Warning Signs of Seven Warning Signs"

"You only get one chance to make a great exhaustion."

"Okay, maybe we should count assembling the exercise bike as your first workout."

'Is that the trebuchet?'

Narcissus

"I'm at the office party."

Bart firmly believes that he is the result of intelligent design.

!I haven't a clue what they are, but I don't like the look of them."

"I seem to bring out the worst in people."

'That's your limescale problem sorted.'

Newspaper circulation gauge.

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

"I asked You, in the nicest possible way, to make me a better person, but apparently You couldn't be bothered."

Narcissus visits the ophthalmologist

Still fits like a glove after all these years!

'Enjoying a little 'me time', Narcissus?'

Man nails in a picture of boxing wearing boxing gloves.

"The only thing I notice thinning is my hair."

"On reflection I think that delegating my life was probably a bad idea."

"I've just joined a support group for boring people."

'Please leave your message after the tone...'

'I'm curious about your out-of-body experience. As you floated above your hospital bed, how noticeable was my bald spot?'

'Dude, I'm getting sooo hammered at this party!'

"I'm giving up begging, fags and booze...looks like I'll have to go back home to the wife and kids."

'I can feel a hundred eyes drilling into my bald spot.'