Self-improvement Jokester Pillows

Bart firmly believes that he is the result of intelligent design.

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

Teacher pointing to P,Q, on board: "OK class, which letter comes next? Redbeard, you should know this."

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"If I can't use a calculator, may I use my Dad's old slide-rule?"

Dummies for Dummies.

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Self Help: Get To Know Yourself/Get To Unknow Yourself

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

"I hope your day is going bad."

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

New years resolutions

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

"The Seven Warning Signs of Seven Warning Signs"

"You only get one chance to make a great exhaustion."

Kid, you can't go taking credit cards and identities. It's stealing. Just the same as if you stole something from a store. Yes sir. I want to be a good person. I won't do it anymore. And no freezing my assets. You're no fun at all.

Politics Books

'Someday, you'll be a big star!'

'Every year it's the same thing. I resolve to lose a ton and you say you're going to control your anger.'

"I asked You, in the nicest possible way, to make me a better person, but apparently You couldn't be bothered."

"Sundials! Hourglasses!"

Too-Humble Pie.

"I thought we said no presents!"

Freezing Penguins

"I've just joined a support group for boring people."

"On reflection I think that delegating my life was probably a bad idea."

'This is not the seating plan your teacher left me.'

"...I'd say your health was way below the poverty line!"

'Wendall just had a great insight. He realised he's full of baloney.'

"I'm giving up begging, fags and booze...looks like I'll have to go back home to the wife and kids."

'If you pretend to water these fake flowers they'll last longer.'

World ends at midnight. Have a nice day.

Armstrong, I'm not qualified to give you dating advice. When it comes to that stuff, I'm the worst. Because Randy's advice is as good as it gets. There's nothing to improve on, so it's a bad investment. But if someone gives me glaringly bad advice, I can easily spot the errors, correct them, and compile it all into a best-selling advice book. Dating tip #1: Dating is not an investment. Beautiful. Keep 'em coming.

'I'm still having self-loathing issues... today I un-friended myself...'

'All you need is a pencil, a cuddly toy and a blowtorch, and you're ready to begin.'