Humorous Self-improver Pillows

"I always think when I jump into the pool, that somewhere they're putting up a tidal wave warning!"

"Teach yourself what you don't know you don't know."

"Let me slip into something a little more thoughtful."

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

A man sprays his bald head with "Spray Hair" to make it seem as thought he has hair.

"This could be the year someone actually goes up there."

What else is there to wish for?

"Remember how I've always had a hard time asking for help?"

'It must be a problem of interpretation. I've read this book DOZENS of times, and I keep winding up here!'

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

'Meditation centre' 'Coffee, Tea, Enlightment, Refreshments'

Self Help / Elf Help.

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

"You're a shark! You're a killer! Nothing can stop you! Now get back in that boardroom and apologize."

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

"You've got to learn to love yourself. Start by 'Friending' yourself on Facebook."

"In my class, I'm not interested in grades. I'm interested in you becoming a better person!"

When life gives you lemons...

'I'm afraid this new self you reinvented has already been patented.'

Learn yourself English.

"You emptied your mind already? That was quick."

It's A Breeze

A gorilla at a cocktail party thinking to himself "Fake it 'til make it".

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'

'It's not my fault that I've developed habits that cannot be sustained.'

Life is like a tube of toothpaste

Dummies for Dummies.

'I'm writing my New Year's resolutions.' - 'I resolve to finish everything that I start.'

Telling Self to Buzz Off

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

'I take it the Change Seminar stripped you down to your vulnerabilities.'

"So. Mr Smith, what makes you think you are too controlling?"

Well, I feel a lot better - he says there's a method to my madness.

Paranoia Clinic

Finance Sector: Art of Rain Making.