Self-improvement Satirist Pillows

"I've just joined a support group for boring people."

Man posing on beach as women ignore him.

'I can't stand his 'holier than thou' attitude.'

Bald Man Overcomb

New from Lockdown Press

"Gorg, you've got to let yourself evolve!"

Lady Liberty's Self-Care

She was always an introvert.

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

"It's easy. The first step is to entirely change who you are."

New years resolutions

EAT HAY LOVE One Horse's Search for Everything

"This one is called 'Essence of Hockey Bag.'"

"You only get one chance to make a great exhaustion."

"The Seven Warning Signs of Seven Warning Signs"

Bald hairdresser recomending hair restoring lotion

'Julie,has anyone told you how beautiful you look today? If so send them in for an eye test straight away!'

"Oh, we have a special hell for triathletes. It's just like regular life, except you can't talk about your triathlons."

Bart firmly believes that he is the result of intelligent design.

"Long term I'm worried about global warming - short term, about freezing my ass off."

Idiots guide to being an idiot.

'I would appreciate if your young lady waited for you up the road,Wilkins.'

Cat Self-Help Support Group

I call it "Self-portrait in Quicksand."

"Apparently removing my reproductive organs wasn't enough."

Business Seminar: How to profit from inflation.

'Saline implants? That'd kill you! I'd take anything Rick says with a grain of salt- But I suppose that'd kill you too.'

'Honey, does the wild pig that I swallowed whole for lunch make me look fat? No, dear, it's just the lighting.

"Oh, come on! At least tell me I'm in the top fifty fairest people in the land!"

"You are a very special person with a hangover!"

Doc, I firmly believe in portion control as long as I control them!

'Me, I weigh myself in the water: I get a better reading...'

"If I hear someone use the word 'mindful' one more time, I'm going to lose my mind."

Armstrong, I'm not qualified to give you dating advice. When it comes to that stuff, I'm the WORST. Why not ask Randy? Because Randy's advice is as good as it gets. There's nothing to improve on, so it's a bad investment. But if someone gives me glaringly bad advice, I can easily spot the errors, correct them, and compile it all into a best-selling advice book. Dating tip #1: Dating is not an investment. Beautiful. Keep 'em coming.

'Your surveillance videos always make me look fat.'