Self-esteem Satirist Pillows

'Honey, does the wild pig that I swallowed whole for lunch make me look fat? No, dear, it's just the lighting.

"Apparently removing my reproductive organs wasn't enough."

'Me, I weigh myself in the water: I get a better reading...'

"Methinks this breastplate doth make me look fat."

Man posing on beach as women ignore him.

'I can't stand his 'holier than thou' attitude.'

Improve your leaping ability or your money back.

Bald Man Overcomb

New from Lockdown Press

"Gorg, you've got to let yourself evolve!"

Lady Liberty's Self-Care

"I'm a HUNK of burning love!"

"It's easy. The first step is to entirely change who you are."

"This one is called 'Essence of Hockey Bag.'"

EAT HAY LOVE One Horse's Search for Everything

Bald hairdresser recomending hair restoring lotion

'The secret to great abs? Marker pen.'

'Julie,has anyone told you how beautiful you look today? If so send them in for an eye test straight away!'

Unnecessary Surgery

'Does what's left of my bum look big in that?'

"Long term I'm worried about global warming - short term, about freezing my ass off."

'I would appreciate if your young lady waited for you up the road,Wilkins.'

Idiots guide to being an idiot.

I call it "Self-portrait in Quicksand."

Cat Self-Help Support Group

M.D. I think of my body as a temple! I think you should decrease the building fund.

"No matter how much I workout, my arms still look sticks."

Business Seminar: How to profit from inflation.

'Saline implants? That'd kill you! I'd take anything Rick says with a grain of salt- But I suppose that'd kill you too.'

'And I'm'm not coming out of there 'til I'm amber!'

'Your surveillance videos always make me look fat.'

Armstrong, I'm not qualified to give you dating advice. When it comes to that stuff, I'm the WORST. Why not ask Randy? Because Randy's advice is as good as it gets. There's nothing to improve on, so it's a bad investment. But if someone gives me glaringly bad advice, I can easily spot the errors, correct them, and compile it all into a best-selling advice book. Dating tip #1: Dating is not an investment. Beautiful. Keep 'em coming.

'Don't try and cheer yourself up. Leave it to us experts.'

"Oh, come on! At least tell me I'm in the top fifty fairest people in the land!"

"If I hear someone use the word 'mindful' one more time, I'm going to lose my mind."