Self-image Humorist Pillows

"The worst part is the horizontal stripes."

"I'm a HUNK of burning love!"

Man posing on beach as women ignore him.

The Quack Quack Diaries: The George Broderick Diaries

Improve your leaping ability or your money back.

Dummies for Dummies.

'Okay, but I'm going to hate myself in the morning.'

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

"If I'm coming across as shallow, uncaring and egocentric, talk to my image manager."

'The baby took some cellphone pictures of you napping!'

Self Help: Get To Know Yourself/Get To Unknow Yourself

Seminar: Find Someone Cool to Imitate.

Next, I remember looking down and thinking, man, those pants make my butt look huge.

Bald man polishing head

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

New years resolutions

Narcissus

I hate the spring ritual of not being able to wear a bulky sweater to cover the weight I've gained during the winter.

"It's my self-portrait. Obviously."

'Actually, we're members of a mountain climbing club named for sir Edmund Hillary.'

'Julie,has anyone told you how beautiful you look today? If so send them in for an eye test straight away!'

'He wants to look slightly mysterious and menacing.'

'You got the wrong guy. I'm not a guru, I'm a consultant.'

"I seem to bring out the worst in people."

'Be honest. Do I have ugly feet?'

'I would appreciate if your young lady waited for you up the road,Wilkins.'

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

Narcissus visits the ophthalmologist

"Apparently removing my reproductive organs wasn't enough."

M.D. I think of my body as a temple! I think you should decrease the building fund.

Me at 22 vs. me at 29

"I asked You, in the nicest possible way, to make me a better person, but apparently You couldn't be bothered."

Still fits like a glove after all these years!

"I finally memorized my bug number."

'Saline implants? That'd kill you! I'd take anything Rick says with a grain of salt- But I suppose that'd kill you too.'