Self-image Comedians Pillows

M.D. I think of my body as a temple! I think you should decrease the building fund.

Improve your leaping ability or your money back.

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

Man posing on beach as women ignore him.

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

"I'm a HUNK of burning love!"

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

I hate the spring ritual of not being able to wear a bulky sweater to cover the weight I've gained during the winter.

'Julie,has anyone told you how beautiful you look today? If so send them in for an eye test straight away!'

Bad Scalp Day

Age is a matter of perspective.

'Be honest. Do I have ugly feet?'

Me at 22 vs. me at 29

'I would appreciate if your young lady waited for you up the road,Wilkins.'

"Apparently removing my reproductive organs wasn't enough."

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

'Saline implants? That'd kill you! I'd take anything Rick says with a grain of salt- But I suppose that'd kill you too.'

'Honey, does the wild pig that I swallowed whole for lunch make me look fat? No, dear, it's just the lighting.

'Me, I weigh myself in the water: I get a better reading...'

It's a trade-off. I'm ugly as all get out, but I have great peripheral vision.

"Are you a yes man or a no man?"

“That’s not the nuclear football That’s my gym bag.”

Photographer

"Oh, come on! At least tell me I'm in the top fifty fairest people in the land!"

'I'm curious about your out-of-body experience. As you floated above your hospital bed, how noticeable was my bald spot?'

"I'm giving up begging, fags and booze...looks like I'll have to go back home to the wife and kids."

"Methinks this breastplate doth make me look fat."

'I can feel a hundred eyes drilling into my bald spot.'

Shaving with a Very Sharp Blade

"Damn straight we're the only forms of intelligent life in the universe!"

'That's not yours. . . that coloring book belongs to the dentist's waiting room.'

"I need to look younger because I'm incredibly immature for my age."

'It says it's the inner value that count. Unfortunately for you it's true.'