Self-conscious Humorists Pillows

'Be honest. Do I have ugly feet?'

"Damn. These must have shrunk in the wash." "I don't think so."

Improve your leaping ability or your money back.

'Okay, but I'm going to hate myself in the morning.'

Bald man with a brush on his head

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

Next, I remember looking down and thinking, man, those pants make my butt look huge.

"I'm a HUNK of burning love!"

"I know I've matured because I choose to purchase my own candy instead of stealing my children's."

Recycle your problems. Many of our neuroses, hang-ups and character defects can be re-used by others.

"I seem to bring out the worst in people."

Me at 22 vs. me at 29

Toupee shop showcases hairy head covering.

M.D. I think of my body as a temple! I think you should decrease the building fund.

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

I call it "Self-portrait in Quicksand."

Still fits like a glove after all these years!

'Enjoying a little 'me time', Narcissus?'

"A lot of people say that absence is my best feature."

'I'm curious about your out-of-body experience. As you floated above your hospital bed, how noticeable was my bald spot?'

'Your surveillance videos always make me look fat.'

Shy Man at Nudist Beach

It's a trade-off. I'm ugly as all get out, but I have great peripheral vision.

'Wendall just had a great insight. He realised he's full of baloney.'

'I can feel a hundred eyes drilling into my bald spot.'

'I was so unpopular as a child, even my imaginary friend wouldn't play with me.'

Narcissus looks at his reflection in a pool of water; he is wearing a shirt that reads "Narcissus" written backwards so that he can read it properly in his reflection

"I need to look younger because I'm incredibly immature for my age."

"Damn straight we're the only forms of intelligent life in the universe!"

"Please hurry, you have only five minutes!"

"Oh, just picking up the pieces of my life after a really traumatic haircut."

R. B. Dudley: Nobody special but rich enough to build this monument of himself.

"The worst part is the horizontal stripes."

"I'm thinking of giving up being an international sex symbol."