Self-conscious Humorist Pillows

"Oh, just picking up the pieces of my life after a really traumatic haircut."

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

'Let's see here... Mr. Stevens... it says you slipped in the tub and hit your head.'

'Okay, but I'm going to hate myself in the morning.'

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

Bald man with a brush on his head

Next, I remember looking down and thinking, man, those pants make my butt look huge.

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

Bald man polishing head

"I'm a HUNK of burning love!"

We bonded over a shared lack of assertiveness. Vive la diffidence!

Always let you conscience be your guide. I let my conscience be my guide, but it's non-binding.

"I know I've matured because I choose to purchase my own candy instead of stealing my children's."

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

"I seem to bring out the worst in people."

'Be honest. Do I have ugly feet?'

Me at 22 vs. me at 29

Toupee shop showcases hairy head covering.

I call it "Self-portrait in Quicksand."

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

Narcissus visits the ophthalmologist

To: Rudy Park. From: Lemont Brown. Hey Rudy, it's me. Long time no talk. How are you these days? Lemont? From Berkeley? Tap tap tap tap. Yeah. Man … Putnam Hall 1993. Those were the days. What ever happened to our roommate Ken? Tap tap tap tap tap tap. Divided Airlines. Divided Airlines. You know, that freak who was always writing articles about "news" and junk for the school paper ... That MORON who didn't know a Gameboy from a GameGear ... That big baby whose mommy was always calling to check

Still fits like a glove after all these years!

'Enjoying a little 'me time', Narcissus?'

'Please leave your message after the tone...'

'Your surveillance videos always make me look fat.'

"Society is so PC these days - I can't even poke fun at myself without offending someone."

Shy Man at Nudist Beach

'I'm curious about your out-of-body experience. As you floated above your hospital bed, how noticeable was my bald spot?'

"The only thing I notice thinning is my hair."

"A lot of people say that absence is my best feature."

'Loser on Board'

'I claim this mountain in the name of all underachievers everywhere!'

'Wendall just had a great insight. He realised he's full of baloney.'

"Great- now we're endangered and reviled."