Self-reflective Humorist Pillows

'I was so unpopular as a child, even my imaginary friend wouldn't play with me.'

"I seem to bring out the worst in people."

Next, I remember looking down and thinking, man, those pants make my butt look huge.

'Okay, but I'm going to hate myself in the morning.'

"I'm TRYING to extinguish my ego, but I feel so CONSPICUOUS up here!"

'Do you want your pie-chart with everything?'

"It all started when I didn't grow up in a palatial estate."

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

"I've switched from talking to myself to talking at myself."

"I'm a HUNK of burning love!"

New years resolutions

The thinker Easter egg

'I'm texting my inner child.'

Narcissus

'What did you do with the whale I harpooned yesterday?'

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

"It's okay to be conservative, but maybe we should evolve and learn to read!"

'Are you the same guy who's in the bathroom mirror?'

"Somehow, I still feel insignificant."

Me at 22 vs. me at 29

Still fits like a glove after all these years!

'Enjoying a little 'me time', Narcissus?'

'Your surveillance videos always make me look fat.'

'Please leave your message after the tone...'

'True, sir, but in a larger sense, aren't we ALL useless parasites?'

'I'm curious about your out-of-body experience. As you floated above your hospital bed, how noticeable was my bald spot?'

'Lets talk about this rampant egotism of yours.'

Narcissus looks at his reflection in a pool of water; he is wearing a shirt that reads "Narcissus" written backwards so that he can read it properly in his reflection

"If I were a narcissist, I assure you I would be the first to know!"

"I need to look younger because I'm incredibly immature for my age."

"Damn straight we're the only forms of intelligent life in the universe!"

"Oh, just picking up the pieces of my life after a really traumatic haircut."