Self-referential Humorist Pillows

"Amateurs."

'Okay, but I'm going to hate myself in the morning.'

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

Next, I remember looking down and thinking, man, those pants make my butt look huge.

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

"I'm a HUNK of burning love!"

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

"From one to ten, ten being the worst, describe how poorly drawn and antiquated this pain chart is."

New years resolutions

Narcissus

"I know what you're thinking: Did he order six eggs or only five. You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, waiter?" "He's so not making my day." When Dirty Harry Met Sally

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

"I seem to bring out the worst in people."

'I don't have to laugh... this show laughs at itself!'

Me at 22 vs. me at 29

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

"It's outside, waiting for her inside of his convertible."

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

Still fits like a glove after all these years!

'Enjoying a little 'me time', Narcissus?'

"Society is so PC these days - I can't even poke fun at myself without offending someone."

"A lot of people say that absence is my best feature."

'Loser on Board'

'Please leave your message after the tone...'

'I'm curious about your out-of-body experience. As you floated above your hospital bed, how noticeable was my bald spot?'

'I claim this mountain in the name of all underachievers everywhere!'

Uneasy lies the head that wears a cheap toupee to bed.

Flo tries to look dignified while waiting to hand in her stool sample.