Self-referential Humorist Gifts

The Quack Quack Diaries: The George Broderick Diaries

'Let's see here... Mr. Stevens... it says you slipped in the tub and hit your head.'

"Amateurs."

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

'Okay, but I'm going to hate myself in the morning.'

Next, I remember looking down and thinking, man, those pants make my butt look huge.

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

'Relax! I just read somewhere that 142 pounds is the new 125!'

"From one to ten, ten being the worst, describe how poorly drawn and antiquated this pain chart is."

We bonded over a shared lack of assertiveness. Vive la diffidence!

"I'm a HUNK of burning love!"

It's good news when an agent says "This is a big break" to an aspiring actor. But not good when said by an orthopedic surgeon holding your x-ray! It's jarring when your business partner says "We're going under while he's looking at the books. But it's very routine when said by a submarine captain speaking to the crew. "You're on fire" is nice to hear when you're playing an excellent round of golf. But not what you want to hear when you're grilling burgers. "A thumb on the scale" often mean

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

New years resolutions

Narcissus

"I know what you're thinking: Did he order six eggs or only five. You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, waiter?" "He's so not making my day." When Dirty Harry Met Sally

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

"I seem to bring out the worst in people."

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

"It's outside, waiting for her inside of his convertible."

To: Rudy Park. From: Lemont Brown. Hey Rudy, it's me. Long time no talk. How are you these days? Lemont? From Berkeley? Tap tap tap tap. Yeah. Man … Putnam Hall 1993. Those were the days. What ever happened to our roommate Ken? Tap tap tap tap tap tap. Divided Airlines. Divided Airlines. You know, that freak who was always writing articles about "news" and junk for the school paper ... That MORON who didn't know a Gameboy from a GameGear ... That big baby whose mommy was always calling to check

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

'I don't have to laugh... this show laughs at itself!'

Me at 22 vs. me at 29

Still fits like a glove after all these years!

'Enjoying a little 'me time', Narcissus?'

'I'm curious about your out-of-body experience. As you floated above your hospital bed, how noticeable was my bald spot?'

'Please leave your message after the tone...'

"A lot of people say that absence is my best feature."

"Society is so PC these days - I can't even poke fun at myself without offending someone."

'Loser on Board'

'I claim this mountain in the name of all underachievers everywhere!'

Flo tries to look dignified while waiting to hand in her stool sample.

What's wrong, little buddy? Some stupid kid called me "old." I'm young! I've been young all my life! I'm good at it. I know all about being young. I've been young since way before he was even born. He's just jealous that I'm more experienced at it than he is. Might be time for us to have a little talk.

"I called in the iHouse cleaners, they do it all except windows."