Self-aware Humorist Pillows

"I need to look younger because I'm incredibly immature for my age."

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

"I'm thinking of giving up being an international sex symbol."

"I'm TRYING to extinguish my ego, but I feel so CONSPICUOUS up here!"

'Okay, but I'm going to hate myself in the morning.'

Next, I remember looking down and thinking, man, those pants make my butt look huge.

Bald man polishing head

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

"I'm a HUNK of burning love!"

New years resolutions

Narcissus

"I know I've matured because I choose to purchase my own candy instead of stealing my children's."

"I seem to bring out the worst in people."

'Be honest. Do I have ugly feet?'

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

Narcissus visits the ophthalmologist

Me at 22 vs. me at 29

'The government says income tax rebates may be late because the defence department maxed out on its credit cards again...'

Still fits like a glove after all these years!

'Enjoying a little 'me time', Narcissus?'

'Your surveillance videos always make me look fat.'

"A lot of people say that absence is my best feature."

"The only thing I notice thinning is my hair."

'Please leave your message after the tone...'

'I'm curious about your out-of-body experience. As you floated above your hospital bed, how noticeable was my bald spot?'

'Wendall just had a great insight. He realised he's full of baloney.'

'You mean someone has been trying to steal your identity?'

'I can feel a hundred eyes drilling into my bald spot.'

'I was so unpopular as a child, even my imaginary friend wouldn't play with me.'

Narcissus looks at his reflection in a pool of water; he is wearing a shirt that reads "Narcissus" written backwards so that he can read it properly in his reflection

"Damn straight we're the only forms of intelligent life in the universe!"

"Please hurry, you have only five minutes!"

R. B. Dudley: Nobody special but rich enough to build this monument of himself.

"Oh, just picking up the pieces of my life after a really traumatic haircut."

"The worst part is the horizontal stripes."