Self-aware Satirist Pillows

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

Man posing on beach as women ignore him.

'I can't stand his 'holier than thou' attitude.'

'Okay, but I'm going to hate myself in the morning.'

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

Bald man with a brush on his head

Next, I remember looking down and thinking, man, those pants make my butt look huge.

"I didn't waste lockdown. I did my own facelift."

'Julie,has anyone told you how beautiful you look today? If so send them in for an eye test straight away!'

"Long term I'm worried about global warming - short term, about freezing my ass off."

"I seem to bring out the worst in people."

Slower than a rubber-tipped arrow,as powerful as a wind-up choo-choo, unable to step over his shoelaces, it's Copyright Free Man!

'I would appreciate if your young lady waited for you up the road,Wilkins.'

Me at 22 vs. me at 29

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

'Saline implants? That'd kill you! I'd take anything Rick says with a grain of salt- But I suppose that'd kill you too.'

'Actually, I learned a lot in college, but there are very few job openings out there for expert beer drinkers.'

'Your surveillance videos always make me look fat.'

Doc, I firmly believe in portion control as long as I control them!

"A lot of people say that absence is my best feature."

'I'm curious about your out-of-body experience. As you floated above your hospital bed, how noticeable was my bald spot?'

"Oh, come on! At least tell me I'm in the top fifty fairest people in the land!"

Isolation playlist

'Wendall just had a great insight. He realised he's full of baloney.'

'Oh, I have a very important job. I'm in charge of synchronizing all of the television commercials.'

'I was so unpopular as a child, even my imaginary friend wouldn't play with me.'

Narcissus looks at his reflection in a pool of water; he is wearing a shirt that reads "Narcissus" written backwards so that he can read it properly in his reflection

"If I were a narcissist, I assure you I would be the first to know!"

"Self Service"

"Damn straight we're the only forms of intelligent life in the universe!"

"We've just been given the Christmas menu....Do you want your beans on toast with festive mint sauce?"

"I need to look younger because I'm incredibly immature for my age."

"Oh, just picking up the pieces of my life after a really traumatic haircut."

"I'm thinking of giving up being an international sex symbol."