Self-aware Humorists Pillows

"Damn straight we're the only forms of intelligent life in the universe!"

Me at 22 vs. me at 29

The Quack Quack Diaries: The George Broderick Diaries

"Damn. These must have shrunk in the wash." "I don't think so."

'Okay, but I'm going to hate myself in the morning.'

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

Next, I remember looking down and thinking, man, those pants make my butt look huge.

"I'm a HUNK of burning love!"

Third eye

"I know I've matured because I choose to purchase my own candy instead of stealing my children's."

Recycle your problems. Many of our neuroses, hang-ups and character defects can be re-used by others.

'Be honest. Do I have ugly feet?'

"I seem to bring out the worst in people."

I call it "Self-portrait in Quicksand."

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

Still fits like a glove after all these years!

'Enjoying a little 'me time', Narcissus?'

'Please leave your message after the tone...'

'I'm curious about your out-of-body experience. As you floated above your hospital bed, how noticeable was my bald spot?'

"A lot of people say that absence is my best feature."

'Wendall just had a great insight. He realised he's full of baloney.'

'I can feel a hundred eyes drilling into my bald spot.'

'You mean someone has been trying to steal your identity?'

'I was so unpopular as a child, even my imaginary friend wouldn't play with me.'

Narcissus looks at his reflection in a pool of water; he is wearing a shirt that reads "Narcissus" written backwards so that he can read it properly in his reflection

'It says it's the inner value that count. Unfortunately for you it's true.'

"I need to look younger because I'm incredibly immature for my age."

The Nantucket Treatment Center for people pathologically incapable of picking out an even halfway good movie at a video store.

"Please hurry, you have only five minutes!"

R. B. Dudley: Nobody special but rich enough to build this monument of himself.

"Oh, just picking up the pieces of my life after a really traumatic haircut."

"The worst part is the horizontal stripes."

"I'm thinking of giving up being an international sex symbol."

"So this is it...the last day of my favorite comic strip."

"What star sign am I?... Well, that depends. My body is Leo, my brain is Taurus, but in my heart I'm a Virgo."