Self-reflective Comedians Pillows

"What star sign am I?... Well, that depends. My body is Leo, my brain is Taurus, but in my heart I'm a Virgo."

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

"We can speak freely now. I've encrypted the line."

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

The Nanuit Have 2,027 Words For Snow, But, After Awhile, They Just Talk About Something Else...

'Look at it this way ... one bad job can can give you all the experience you'll ever need.'

Improve your leaping ability or your money back.

Where do you see yourself in five years? 35.

Football Delivery

'Okay, but I'm going to hate myself in the morning.'

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

Next, I remember looking down and thinking, man, those pants make my butt look huge.

If a tree falls on a philosopher in the woods, and no one is there to hear his screams for help, did he really make a sound?

A smart alec boy

"And I suppose my greatest feature is that I don't mind kissing a little booty to get ahead!"

'According to my Dad, bosses are just like headmasters. The only difference is that they give you money every month.'

'Tell me about yourself. If I stay awake, you've got the job.'

'All this job requires is some mud-wallowing and snarling... I'd say you're overqualified.'

'I'm texting my inner child.'

'It's 'any little boy CAN grow up to be President ' -- It's not a REQUIREMENT.'

"I see by your resume that you've got a big problem with formatting."

"I seem to bring out the worst in people."

'Be honest. Do I have ugly feet?'

'Are you the same guy who's in the bathroom mirror?'

'I do love you, but anything you say, ever, will be remembered and may be used in evidence against you.'

Me at 22 vs. me at 29

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

"According to your C.V. you were self employed, but you made yourself redundant?"

Still fits like a glove after all these years!

'Enjoying a little 'me time', Narcissus?'

"My humour needs bringing up to date. Do you think the New School might have something?"