Self-reflective Comedians Gifts

"What star sign am I?... Well, that depends. My body is Leo, my brain is Taurus, but in my heart I'm a Virgo."

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

"We can speak freely now. I've encrypted the line."

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

'Look at it this way ... one bad job can can give you all the experience you'll ever need.'

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

Improve your leaping ability or your money back.

The Nanuit Have 2,027 Words For Snow, But, After Awhile, They Just Talk About Something Else...

Where do you see yourself in five years? 35.

Football Delivery

'Okay, but I'm going to hate myself in the morning.'

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

If a tree falls on a philosopher in the woods, and no one is there to hear his screams for help, did he really make a sound?

Next, I remember looking down and thinking, man, those pants make my butt look huge.

'According to my Dad, bosses are just like headmasters. The only difference is that they give you money every month.'

"And I suppose my greatest feature is that I don't mind kissing a little booty to get ahead!"

A smart alec boy

'Tell me about yourself. If I stay awake, you've got the job.'

'I'm texting my inner child.'

'All this job requires is some mud-wallowing and snarling... I'd say you're overqualified.'

"The demands of this job can place quite a burden on your family, so we recommend you fake your own death."

'It's 'any little boy CAN grow up to be President ' -- It's not a REQUIREMENT.'

"I see by your resume that you've got a big problem with formatting."

"I seem to bring out the worst in people."

'Be honest. Do I have ugly feet?'

M.D. I think of my body as a temple! I think you should decrease the building fund.

"According to your C.V. you were self employed, but you made yourself redundant?"

'I do love you, but anything you say, ever, will be remembered and may be used in evidence against you.'

'Are you the same guy who's in the bathroom mirror?'

Me at 22 vs. me at 29

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

Still fits like a glove after all these years!

'Enjoying a little 'me time', Narcissus?'