Contemplative Comedian Gifts

If a tree falls on a philosopher in the woods, and no one is there to hear his screams for help, did he really make a sound?

Blight at the end of the tunnel

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

"I'm TRYING to extinguish my ego, but I feel so CONSPICUOUS up here!"

Moses uses the burning bush to roast a kosher frank

Adam puts God on hold while texting.

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

"What if my inner demons want to write about bunnies?"

'Please join me now in a group meditation.'

Applause

'Okay, but I'm going to hate myself in the morning.'

You may have hired the best lawyer but I don't think that you can sue God because of a downgoing Dow Jones, sir.

"Meditation is too hard. How do you keep one thought in your mind for this long?"

Next, I remember looking down and thinking, man, those pants make my butt look huge.

"Closed until further notice."

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

"I pick up most of my wisdom from celebrity interviews.'

The thinker Easter egg

'I'm texting my inner child.'

'...But I confessed to Oprah...isn't that in there?'

'Forget it - the nearest wi-fi hot spot is in Rangoon.'

'Yeah, my head gets cold, too, but the hat sends the wrong message.'

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

'I'm sorry but you obviously don't believe in God because you didn't forward the religious emails to 10 or more people in your address book.'

'One reason I like hanging out with you is you give me so many good ideas for my sermons.'

"Employees bound to their employer by desperation and fear of unemployment. Now THAT'S my idea of a union!"

Uncomfortably open Mike night.

St Peter at gates of Heaven tells thuggish looking man: 'You're in the wrong place, alright. Let me guess: sat nav?'

"Yeah. What I remember most is that you still owe me money!"

Parking validation

'It might be all right for some but I'll not have anyone tinkering with my subconscious. Anyway, supposing they found I hadn't got one!'

'Thanks for the thought but we can't accept lottery tickets.'

'What did you do with the whale I harpooned yesterday?'