Contemplative Comedian Gifts

If a tree falls on a philosopher in the woods, and no one is there to hear his screams for help, did he really make a sound?

Blight at the end of the tunnel

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

"I'm TRYING to extinguish my ego, but I feel so CONSPICUOUS up here!"

Moses uses the burning bush to roast a kosher frank

Adam puts God on hold while texting.

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

"What if my inner demons want to write about bunnies?"

'Please join me now in a group meditation.'

Applause

'Okay, but I'm going to hate myself in the morning.'

"Meditation is too hard. How do you keep one thought in your mind for this long?"

Next, I remember looking down and thinking, man, those pants make my butt look huge.

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

"Closed until further notice."

"I pick up most of my wisdom from celebrity interviews.'

'Yeah, my head gets cold, too, but the hat sends the wrong message.'

'Forget it - the nearest wi-fi hot spot is in Rangoon.'

'I'm texting my inner child.'

'...But I confessed to Oprah...isn't that in there?'

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

The thinker Easter egg

'One reason I like hanging out with you is you give me so many good ideas for my sermons.'

"Employees bound to their employer by desperation and fear of unemployment. Now THAT'S my idea of a union!"

'Thanks for the thought but we can't accept lottery tickets.'

St Peter at gates of Heaven tells thuggish looking man: 'You're in the wrong place, alright. Let me guess: sat nav?'

'Saint Francis changes his mind about animals'

"Thank you for holding, your prayers have advanced in the queue and will be answered by the next available deity."

'What did you do with the whale I harpooned yesterday?'

Parking validation

Uncomfortably open Mike night.