Spiritual Comedian Gifts

'Oh - you're there! I was hoping I could just leave a message.'

'Oh yeah! First to reach enlightenment... Right here! Eat my dust, bitches!'

'I'm sorry but you obviously don't believe in God because you didn't forward the religious emails to 10 or more people in your address book.'

God laughs with you, not at you - unless you pray for something stupid.

Moses uses the burning bush to roast a kosher frank

'It's For You.'

Applause

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

'One reason I like hanging out with you is you give me so many good ideas for my sermons.'

'Thanks for the thought but we can't accept lottery tickets.'

'Forget it - the nearest wi-fi hot spot is in Rangoon.'

'Well, I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it buddy, but we don't give no refunds.'

'Yeah, my head gets cold, too, but the hat sends the wrong message.'

St Peter at gates of Heaven tells thuggish looking man: 'You're in the wrong place, alright. Let me guess: sat nav?'

'Drink is your enemy.' - 'Love your enemies.'

'Saint Francis changes his mind about animals'

Shouldn't the hotline have a connection to dial-a-prayer?

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

You may have hired the best lawyer but I don't think that you can sue God because of a downgoing Dow Jones, sir.

'It might help if you think of them as cue cards.'

"I'm sorry but just 'liking' us on Facebook is not enough."

"It's a 'get reincarnated soon' card."

"Well, THAT'S not working."

"It says 'Available Now: The Greatest Bloopers of Your Life, available on Pay-Per-View or DVD!'"

"Yeah. What I remember most is that you still owe me money!"

Limbo dancing

"Thank you for holding, your prayers have advanced in the queue and will be answered by the next available deity."

"I never thought I would miss billboards!"

Heavenly Coin Toss

'Sure, but will they create JOBS?'

"Well, that's me sorted, Father. Is there anything you'd like to get off your chest before I leave?"

"If you're being raptured, throw me your wallet."

"If you laugh at all of God's jokes, he's never going to learn what's funny."

"Closed until further notice."

I just wish he'd warn us when he's going to have an out-of-body-odor experience.