Spiritual Comedian Pillows

'Oh - you're there! I was hoping I could just leave a message.'

'Oh yeah! First to reach enlightenment... Right here! Eat my dust, bitches!'

God laughs with you, not at you - unless you pray for something stupid.

Moses uses the burning bush to roast a kosher frank

'It's For You.'

Applause

'One reason I like hanging out with you is you give me so many good ideas for my sermons.'

'Thanks for the thought but we can't accept lottery tickets.'

'Forget it - the nearest wi-fi hot spot is in Rangoon.'

'Well, I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it buddy, but we don't give no refunds.'

'Yeah, my head gets cold, too, but the hat sends the wrong message.'

St Peter at gates of Heaven tells thuggish looking man: 'You're in the wrong place, alright. Let me guess: sat nav?'

'Drink is your enemy.' - 'Love your enemies.'

'Saint Francis changes his mind about animals'

Shouldn't the hotline have a connection to dial-a-prayer?

'It might help if you think of them as cue cards.'

"It's a 'get reincarnated soon' card."

"Well, THAT'S not working."

"It says 'Available Now: The Greatest Bloopers of Your Life, available on Pay-Per-View or DVD!'"

Limbo dancing

"Thank you for holding, your prayers have advanced in the queue and will be answered by the next available deity."

"I never thought I would miss billboards!"

Heavenly Coin Toss

'Sure, but will they create JOBS?'

"Well, that's me sorted, Father. Is there anything you'd like to get off your chest before I leave?"

"If you're being raptured, throw me your wallet."

"If you laugh at all of God's jokes, he's never going to learn what's funny."

"Closed until further notice."

"Whatever gave you the idea there'd be a long line?"

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

'Stop monking around and get inside!'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Confound it - stop talking in tongues while I'm talking in tongues."

'The truly enlightened don't NEED beer coolers!'

'...But I confessed to Oprah...isn't that in there?'