Cautious Comedian Gifts

The Survivalists' Club. Walk right in with your hands up.

"Better safe than sorry."

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

"Yeah, uh, maybe you're not cut out to be the 'sparkly' kind of vampire."

Bob liked getting involved - but not actively involved.

If a tree falls on a philosopher in the woods, and no one is there to hear his screams for help, did he really make a sound?

Your Winning Lottery Numbers Told: 'If they are really what you say - how come you can only afford a tent?'

"You can come in. But don't try anything funny."

"Well, sure, it LOOKS like a straightforward plea to buy our product...but for safety we better run it by the legal department

The thinker Easter egg

"Hold on, one more thing to go."

"The orgasms were real. But I faked the kids."

'Have you heard about the origami shop?'

'What did you do with the whale I harpooned yesterday?'

"Are you ready to rock within your means so as not to lose sight of what’s really important?"

Make Your Own

"It's okay to be conservative, but maybe we should evolve and learn to read!"

'You're new at this, aren't you?'

'I do love you, but anything you say, ever, will be remembered and may be used in evidence against you.'

Policeman and cab tout,

"Your prognosis? That depends on your health insurance."

'The hook was too dangerous.'

'True, sir, but in a larger sense, aren't we ALL useless parasites?'

"If I knew next week's winning lottery numbers do you think I'd be sitting here telling you."

"First time ice fishing?"

Blight at the end of the tunnel

'World peace? Isn't that just an idealistic cliche?'

Ted never left anything to chance. His computer passwords were all 99 random characters long. . .

The Maybe Society

"Sorry, I don't have any beer. The wife cut social benefits and plowed the money into her defence budget..."

"I'm not taking any chances. . ."

"O.K. kid, arts and crafts time - today we’ll be making your ransom note."

'Now, why did I cross over here?' Middle-aged Chicken.

'There goes an honest politician -- his only campaign promises are 'death and taxes.''